Lizh Trusski

Discussions with the UK foreign secretary are like talking to a deaf person, Moscow says

If you want to know about the hat, read the account she gave Hugo Rifkind in The Times

The fizzog says it all. To the Right Honourable Elizabeth Truss, privy counsellor, secretary of state for foreign, commonwealth and development affairs and minister for women and equalities in Her Majesty's government, the sum of human knowledge is one giant unknown unknown. But a glimmer of doubt seems to have penetrated that Teflon Tory carapace. "Is it possible that there are people -- even in Britain -- who know where Rostov is?" she wonders. "Who know that Voronezh is one of Russia's biggest cities?" Rostov and Voronezh are, according to Wiki, Russia's 10th and 13th cities, the equivalent of Sheffield and Leicester. Imagine saying to Sergey Lavrov: "Will you recognise Britain's claim to Sheffield and Leicester?" and him saying: "Russia will never recognise Britain's claim to Sheffield and Leicester and you'd better withdraws you troops or we'll stop buying your cheese."

Finer minds then Dizzy Lizzy's have come a cropper against that wily old fox Lavrov, a man who has been Russia's foreign minister for 18 years and displays a demeanour that suggests he is not remotely terrified of the boss. His jovial insouciance and extempore wit are a trait common to Russian ministers and diplomats, at least those dealing with the West, and it's remarkable when you think of the likely consequence of displeasing Vovochka. The point is these people are bloody good at their jobs, and they know it. So why is it considered a sensible tactic to send out against them a woman whose MO consists of shrieking about pork and cheese and before adopting a halfwitted rictus grin? Have we given up on diplomacy with Russia? Are we trying to give the Kremlin an easy win? Or are we trying to provoke Putin? I bet the Russian diplomats and Lavrov's aides were queuing up for a go at Trusski: no, you've had a go -- it's my turn to take the pisski out of the British idiot.

Liz concludes the only way to deal with Lavrov is to start doing kung fu on him

We're forever told Truss is popular with the party membership. If you think it's odd, remember that the red-trouser brigade were never going to suffer personal hardship from, say, Brexit or the cost-of-living crisis. It won't be their sons and daughters ripped apart by Russian tank shells in Ukraine. For them it's all bloody good fun. She's the wrecker. She's that kid in school who, desperate for friends and attention, could easily be persuaded to do a shit on the teacher's desk. To set fire to the music block. A bit like Patel, she thinks she's a doer and doesn't have the imagination to worry about consequences.

On top of that, her effortless rise through the party hierarchy to the point that she now holds two senior ministerial posts, including one of the great offices of state, suggests that anyone can do it if they have thick enough skin and a cheesy enough grin.

Truss gets thinking about cheese in her new role as minister for farming, 2014 GETTY

I recall a respected columnist when who interviewed Truss immediately after she got the Defra job. The net day he gave this assessment: "She's one knife short of a picnic set." It was about this time that civil servants started calling her "the human hand grenade". According to The Guardian Boris Johnson has started calling her this too, and, of course, she herself thinks it's a compliment. “She does tend to blow things up. The PM used to say anything passed her way needed to be handled with care,” one aide said.

And this is the person he sends to defuse the mess in Ukraine. If you think she should never have been let near the Foreign Office, don't forget that Johnson was foreign secretary for two whole years before he unforgivably shat the bed -- and look at him now. This is getting serious: when Johnson falls -- and perhaps he won't, because Patel will do her best to appoint a new Met commissioner who will find a way to let him off the hook -- you'd better believe it will be Truss next. Truss will be our prime minister. And then God help us all -- except Russia. Russia will be fine. Putin can simply tell Truss that Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Swedenski and Finlandov are all suburbs of St Petersburg; nothing to see here.